One thing that bothers me and I feel VERY ashamed of is the fact that I somehow make God responsible for letting J die. I somehow thought it was His responsibilty to let him live, too. I cannot explain this and I really thought that this feeling would subside, but 7 years later I still struggle with it.
Monday, 12 March 2012
Leukemia and God
Many people believe my relationship with God was totally changed by my illness. It was not. Of course I had my begging sessions with God . I asked Him to PLEASE let me live, to keep me from vomitting, to protect the other patients, give my parents and brother strength... But to me my healing is not a miracle and God did not heal me. At least not directly. I believe (and this was also part of my prayer) that He allowed us humans to aquire the wisdom to heal such terrible diseases. Yet, one thing totally changed. I lost my fear of dying. I am still scared of the moment I die and the torture I might have to face in the weeks prior, because I know it hurts. Watching J suffer in the weeks before he died are my darkest memories. But I know that afterwards I'll be safed. No more pain, just joy. That is why I believe having a relative with cancer is worse than actually having cancer, because I knew my future was bright either way.
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I really appreciate you sharing your story. My aunt has leukemia and it's been so hard to watch. Somedays I just wish it was me instead. But God always has a plan for our lives and I just have to remember that
ReplyDeleteCancer is a beast. The black death of our century. Understanding God's plan for us th hardest thing ever and like I mentioned I'll never understand why He let my friend J die. I pray your aunt gets well again soon.
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