Old pictures

I just found some pictures from 2007 when Hendrik and I fell in love. Almost 5 years ago!We both look quite different, but they make me happy because it is a proof of the great, awesome times we had. I don't know when it stopped being awesome and I certainly don't know why I am still here with Hendrik. Maybe because of the person he used to be. Stupid excuse, I know. Waiting for someone to become his old self again... Still, it makes me happy to see these two people. I can from the look on their faces that they are truly happy.
2011 sucks, but it is over soon :(




The first picture that was ever taken of us.(above)

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone! Hope you can enjoy it with the ones you love wherever you are!

Christmas quiz

1. Egg nog or hot chocolate? hot cocolate
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? both?
3. Coloured lights on tree/house or white? White.
4. Do you hang mistletoe? nope
5. When do you put your decorations up? when I have time, usually around the second Advent
6. What is your favourite holiday dish? Spätzle (noodles from the South of Germany) and some kind of German meat I constantly forget the name of = what my mom always cooks on Christmas Eve
7. Favourite holiday memory as a child? In Germany an angle called "Christkind" brings all the presents and I once saw her leave. Seriously! She was flying up to heaven again. Don't laugh!
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? 5! My kindergarten classmates told me. I'm still mad at the stupid boy!
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Always and all of them!!! And I don't even feel bad about it! In Germany we open all of them Christmas Eve although there used to be so many when I was a kid that I could not open them all in the evening and I had to continue the next morning (hard work).
10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? white lights and ornaments
11. Snow! Love it or dread it? Love it and I'm sad that it won't snow this year.
12. Can you ice skate? Yes and I'll go tomorrow.
13. Do you remember your favourite gift? our poor cat which is tortured ever since
14. What’s the most important thing about the holidays for you? My family and some quiet time to relax and look back at the year.
15. What is your favourite holiday dessert? vanilla ice cream covered with chocolate in the form of stars
16. What is your favourite holiday tradition? Do I have to be honest??? Ok, my mom usually works on the morning on Christmas Eve and we decorate the tree. However, I never manage to wrap my presents early enough. So each year both me and my brother lock our doors while we wrap the presents. Our dad is under some kind of pressure and stands in front of our doors telling us to PLEASE decorate the tree constantly. Its mean/crazy/ however you want to call it, but its too funny. I should make a video this year.
17. What tops your tree? some golden ornament
18. Which do you prefer: giving or receiving? Giving...if the person enjoys what he/she gets
19. Candy canes: yuck or yummy? yuck!
20. Favourite Christmas show? all the television shows that look back at the year and "Ein Herz für Kinder" (A heart for children). Its a show where they collect money and tell all the heartbreaking stories of the poor kids. I cry all the time but still like it.
21. Saddest Christmas song? Does something like this exist?
22. What is your favourite Christmas song? "Do they know it's Christmas?"

Letter to my 16 year old self

Hi 16 year old Anne,

don' t worry about school, family, sports or boys. Everything will turn out fine.
First of all, would you PLEASE stop worrying about the things that MIGHT go wrong. There's no reason. You are doing fine and if you don't stop worrying you will miss the best moments. Some great years are ahead of you.
Maths is tricky, right? Hard to find the right solution you believe? I tell you what? Its as easy as it can be! Just believe in yourself!!! Thats right. Just believe you can do maths and you can. I'm serious. It's that easy. Just believe in yourself. Soon a very nice teacher will tell you so and maths will become your best subject. Just wait!
In the next two years you will make lots of friends, go to some really good partys and just enjoy life in general. You are excited to go to South Africa for a month soon? You will go again in two years and stay for three months. Lots of beautiful things to discover in this country you hardly know anything about.
Sportwise it is also going to be just great. You will finally fnd the perfect swim team and Nico will join you. Together with Jassi you will have an amazing time. Yes, Jassi! Don't really like her? Just wait.
Boys! You'll find one! All you have to do is wait two more years. He's handsome and charming, everything you dream for. You will feel like you are in heaven for a year or two. But, no, I cannot tell you if he's the right one. You won't know for a very long time. Just enjoy today. The last years at school are the best. I promise. Don't worry, be happy :)

Grandma turns 90!

Yesterday, we celebrated my Grandma's 90 birthday! It was a great day/weekend. I finally got to see all my cousins again. The last time I saw them all together was 4 years ago when the oldest one married.
So, we met yesterday at a very nice restaurant and let the fun begin.



Enjoying some champagne (my dad and my cousins hubby).

Then we ate cake. Lots of yummy cake.



After almost all of the cake was eaten, the most important guest arrived. My cousins 9 month old daughter Johanna. To say my grandma adores her would be an understatement. Whenever she's there she has to love her. Of course I had to hold her too:) Such cute chubby cheeks.






I look great with the baby, don't I? Need lots of them later :)

Then some people talked about grandma. My mom said some things about all the traveling my grandma did. She flew to California at the age of 75. All on her own. I want to be able to do that when I'm that old, too.

Of course I had to honor her too.


Then it was dinner time and after that we talked for hours (1:30 am to be exact, at least the younger ones).


All the granddaughters!



And the boys!

I really enjoyed yesterday. Hope to see all the dear faces again soon. Let's not wait another four years.

My weekend

On Friday I went home to enjoy my weekend with my family. First I tutored some kids and then came home just to relax. I don't remember exactly what I did, but I went to bed rather early and sleept almost 11 hours (I must have been tired).
On Saturday I tutored the same kids again. They are all writing tests at school this week. Then I went home to do some work for university, had lunch with my family, then got some more work done. In the evening Henny came to my hoemtown so we got to hang out together. First we had a Döner (german- turkish very delicious creation) and then went to the place (the swimming pool parking lot :) ) where we first kissed. Very romantic! We even went to Mc Donald's to eat ice- cream. Just like in the old times :)I went to bed very happy.
On Sunday I ordered some christmas gifts. I somehow ordered all of them online this year. I have almost everything but I cannot decide what I want to get Hendrik. Any tips? Then I read some txts for a term paper I have to write. Anyone has a clue about kingship in Middle English Romances? Nobody?! Ok, so this is going to be funny. Due Dec 31. Merry Christmas :)In the evening I went back to Giessen and watched a TV show about the past year. I love these shows and look forward to watching them every single year. Henny came back from work (he's a workaholic) around 10 pm and we went to bed around midnight.
Today (monday) my Grandma is turning 90. I went back home to eat cake with her and on Saturday the celebrations will continue.

Walking in the rain

I'm busy. I know, I always say that but I really am. I thought this Christmas would be more relaxed because I don't have as much university as I used to in the last years but I somehow always find things to make me busy (work). So, instead of sleeping in this morning I had a biology field trip. I put on my warm pullover and my scarf and head and then walked around in the pouring cold rain for 3 hours (last year we had lots of snow at this time of the year). Lots of fun. Ok, my best friend was with me and we always create fun so it wasn't too bad. Now, since the swimming pool closed for two weeks of intense cleaning, I'll visit the dreaded tread mill and run, then pack my stuff and go home (my parents home). The mentioned friend wants me to go to a party tonight but I'm not sure. I know I'm boring but I'm just tired. If I don't sleep much tonight I'll have to wait another week. Ok,I'll stop talking about sleep, too boring.
Chrismas activities: My mom bought me an advent calendar which consists of 24 little red candles. So, now I light one every day and think about the people I love. Nothing spectacular, but I like it. Hendrik also bought me a chocolate version and I eat lots of gingerbread so I don't miss out on the eating part (How could I?).

Summing up: Nothing new here. I didn't quit my job by the way. My friend convinced me to hang on. Sometimes it's ok and sometimes I stack all these magazines constantly promising myself that this is the last time. We'll see.

Enjoy your weekend!

Christmas time!

It's offically Chrismas time! YEAH! So I got up this morning (ok, it was rather around noon), looked at my belly, decided it was still really flat and ran into the kitchen to start the fun. I tore open the bags of Spekulatius and ginger bread and stuffed my mouth with it.....mmmmmhhhh....I love Christmas time. I love the smells, the food and sometimes even the cold weather.
I wrote blogs about what I love about summer and autumn. Now I'll write one about what I love about Christmas and winter since Christmas (at least the food part) might last until early February. I'm pretty strict about not starting before the first of advent but I don't have a rule about when to stop :)

So, here's my Why-I-Like- Christmas/Winter list:

I like...
- ginger bread and spekulatius (traditional German cookies)
- Glühwein (hot wine you drink in order not to get cold)
- stollen
- German christmas markets
- the smell of oranges
- all the beautiful candles in our house
- the decorated towns and houses
- reading in my warm bed
- walks in the snow (if it was there)
- skiing (if there was snow...)
- Christmas songs (at least some of them)
- family time
- Christmas day
- buying stuff for the people I love (to a certain degree)
- listening to the christmas story and thinking about the original reason why we get the eat, drink and enjoy all the things mentioned above
- seeing my relatives
- the smiles on the little kids faces on Christmas
- Santa Claus
- all the TV shows about what happened during the year (just a nice way to reflect on the year)
- New Year's Eve
-the fireworks on New Year's Eve

It makes me sad that this Christmas will be different. Less happy since Nico is still very much depressed. I miss the feeling of security. Usually everybody is happy on Christmas and we are proud of the things we achieved during the year together as a family. This year, we will have to force Nico to do pretty much everything. I hope I can do all this without crying and my parents will have the strength needed as well. Yet, there's still time for a Christmas miracle.

What do you like about Christmas?

You have to love yourself before you can accept other's love

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering
are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth.
Today, I know, this is "AUTHENTICITY".

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody
as I try to force my desires on this person,
even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it,
and even though this person was me.
Today I call it "RESPECT".

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life,
and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow.
Today I call it "Maturity".

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance,
I am in the right place at the right time,
and everything happens at the exactly right moment.
So I could be calm.
Today I call it "SELF-CONFIDENCE".

As I began to love myself I quit steeling my own time,
and I stopped designing huge projects for the future.
Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness,
things I love to do and that make my heart cheer,
and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm.
Today I call it "SIMPLICITY".

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything
that is no good for my health - food, people, things, situations,
and everything the drew me down and away from myself.
At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism.
Today I know it is "LOVE OF ONESELF".

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right,
and ever since I was wrong less of the time.
Today I discovered that is "MODESTY".

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past
and worry about the future.
Now, I only live for the moment, where EVERYTHING is happening.
Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it. "FULFILLMENT".

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me
and it can make me sick.
But As I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally.
Today I call this connection "WISDOM OF THE HEART".

We no longer need to fear arguments,
confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others.
Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born.
Today I know THAT IS "LIFE"!


Charlie Chaplin

I pray

I had a conversation with a very good friend of mine today. We were talking about everything from university to guys and sports. Of course I talked about all the negative/sad stuff going on with Hendrik and my brother in my life at the moment. She asked me what I did when I feel especially sad. I said I pray. Don't get me wrong; I'm not the kind of person that believes that praying is enough to make everything all right again. But I believe it helps. My friend is not religious at all. And I usually don't talk about my faith except with people I do know believe themselves. But when she asked me about what I did when I felt desperate I gave an honest answer. So she asked what I would do if one day I should find out that there is no God, that Im talking to thin air (not that I would ever find out because I would not revive) My answer to that was that I would still pray because it helps me to feel better and gives me hope. Her reaction to this answer was laughter. She called me a funny person. This HURT. To me this is a serious topic. My answer was not a joke. I still would pray if there was nobody listening to me. I did not know how to react to her laughter as I could not do what I wanted to do which was cry. Faith is a personal topic and even if somebody told me he believed in the holy tree trunk I would not laugh at him because I could imagine that it would hurt this person. Not believing is all right with me, but making fun of somebody because of what he believes is just cruel. Is this what friends do?
How would you have reacted?

A request

As you know English is not my first language. I have always loved the language from the time I learned the first words in primary school which eventually led me to study English (&Biology) at university. On Thursday I need to hand in an essay I wrote about the benefits of running. So here's my request: Could you maybe read my essay and comment on/ correct the mistakes? I would be very thankful.
Here it is:


The Benefits of Running

Mankind started walking and running four to six million years ago when we rose from all four which proved to be tremendously faster than any other kind movement. Long distance running first became known when a Greek messenger ran 42, 195 kilometers from Marathon to Sparta delivering the news of the Persian landing at Marathon which became a legend and inspired people to run this distance as fast as possible. The first official competitive marathon was run in the Olympic Games in 1896 (Weil 2007:1). Nowadays, running is the most popular form of exercise. But why do so many people put on their running gear after a long and stressful day at work instead of simply sitting down on the couch in front of the TV? It is because they hope to profit from the numerous benefits running offers like increased health, positive psychological effects as well as the gain of positive character traits like perseverance and patience.

Running is the perfect workout to train your body and to improve your health at the same time. First of all, it helps to manage and reduce weight since it burns more calories per minute than any other form of exercise plus it slows down the aging process as it enhances the production of hormones which help to stay young. By challenging the body the muscles are strengthened instead of losing their tone as they respond to the physical demand. Hence, runners seldom suffer from osteoporosis. But you are not only working out to improve your physical appearance, but also the overall function of your body. Running reduces the risk of a heart attack considerably by strengthening the heart and lowering the blood pressure. The heart of an inactive person beats 36,000 times more than that of a runner which shows that a runner’s heart also works more effectively (Luff 2011). Yet, serious runners often run beyond the amount of distance that benefits health as they become addicted to the exhilaration caused by running. Nevertheless, the addiction to this kind of drug keeps them from becoming addicted to other drugs or alcohol.

Even though the benefits for your health are the strongest advantages of engaging in long distance running, the psychological benefits caused by running are no less important. Runners report being happier and less stressed than people who do not exercise regularly. Running builds up confidence in yourself which results from the knowledge that the body is strong and capable of facing physical challenges. When the run is challenging, the individual experiences a sense of accomplishment which takes the mind away from negative stressors to a feeling of accomplishment and pride. Additionally, the described reduction of weight lets you gain a better self- image. Most important, it reduces stress since the mind is focused on the task ahead when running instead of being stressed about work or family. Hence, it is not surprising that running is used for the treatment of clinical depression and addiction (McLeod Sadler 2009).

Moreover, running teaches you to set a goal and work hard for it. Thus, running teaches patience and perseverance which are essential character traits in every aspect of your life. By running hard one teaches oneself that giving up is not an option and the momentary pain or unease will pass but defeat lasts forever. As Lance Armstrong wrote in his book: “The mind has to control the body. Never let the mind tell the body what to do.” (Armstrong 2000: 126). If you have gained the increase of willpower on the running path, you can transfer it to life in general. Hence, a runner might be more capable to solve problems at his job which makes him a better employee and stronger person in his everyday life.

Considering the advantages for your health, the psychological effects plus the gain of the important character traits perseverance and patience which can be achieved by running it is not surprising that so many people go for a run after a long and stressful day at work. Hence, the trend of being active in order to do something for the mind and body will only increase in the years to come as health problems like obesity become more apparent to the public eye and mankind rediscovers the importance for a healthy lifestyle which leads us back to our roots.

Don't read if happy

Back in June I vowed to only blog positives from now on since no one likes to read whiny blogs. Yet, this blog is also my journal and feel like I have to write about negative things as well. So, if you are in a good mood just skip this post :).

There's something wrong with Nico's (my brother) lip. Since the surgery one week ago it looks weird. I don't even want to write this because I had hoped soo much that finally everything would be ok. It is not. And it breaks my heart. My does he have so much bad luck??? This is UNFAIR. I BEGGED god last week to finally let this be his last jaw surgery. Now this...Nico is depressed, of course. Seriously depressed and we don't know what to do. When I was home at the weekend I almost could not stand this sad, sad mood.

I will quit my job tomorrow. I feel like it's not good for me since you have to work very fast which makes me nervous. Nervous nervous. I suffer a lot. About two days before I have to work I start being sad. This is not helpful in my current situation. If it was my real job I would fight, but this is only a stupid student job and there are others. Still, I feel like a failure. I wanted to prove that I could do it, that I would not simply give up because I have to fight. Yet, it makes no sense. My mouth turns dry the second I start and I sweat like crazy.

I honestly thought there were better times ahead after all the mess with hendrik was over. But it isn't. 2011 is not my year. That's for sure. 6 more weeks to go! 2012 has to be better!

Sorry, for this post.

Random thoughts

My brother's surgery went well on Wedenesday. Tomorrow my parents are going to drive to Stuttgart to pick him up. Now, we all pray that when the swelling goes away everything will look fine and most important, my brother likes the result. Thanks to everyone who prayed :)
My life here is the usual. Lots of university and lots of work. Little sleep. I did not have the time to do as much sport as I would like to this week, but it was a good week. I have two offers to tutor kids but I don't know if I can accept them since I'm already this busy. Next week I have to work twice for the job I got in September plus tutoring the twins once. Yet, I think I could push myself harder and do it all. I still have free time in the evening I could use for Sport etc. But then, I'm usually very tired in the evening. I don't even want to start thinking about what I could do with the money. Planes come to my mind... Extremely tempting!!! Any advice?
I have had two good weeks with Hendrik. He cooks for me, does some (more)housework which extremely helps. I sometimes have the feeling that I just have to train him a little harder and he will be Mr Right. But it's a lot of work.
This weekend we've got a little partying planned. As you might have notice I'm not a party animal. I just don't like places where the music is so loud that you cannot have a conversation with the person standing next to you. And I don't like to go out in the middle of the night. I prefer having a nice long conversation on someone's couch and then say goodbye at midnight. Some people say I'm missing out on something, but I don't agree. After years of pretending to be someone I'm not and partying at the weekends, I'm happy the way it is now. Sometimes I'll go out and dance a bit. But afterwards I've usually had enough for the next month. So this weekend some people convinced me to get out of my shell and actually go out.
Enjoy your weekend!

My brother

On Wednesday my brother is having yet another surgery. It all started in July 2010. He had surgery on his jaw which was pretty hard for all of us. I've never seen my poor little brother so sad and desperate. He looked so different. It was a 9 hour surgery. He had just graduated from High School and instead of having a careless summer of fun, he went to the hospital to have this terrible surgery and recovered for the rest of the summer. The first time he could bite into an apple again was in December! It was very hard. Because of all this he did not begin to study in fall. Instead he learnt Latin. That's my nerdy brother. If you have a gap year, learn Latin FOR FUN.
In February he had the nails removed and we hoped that the next step could be his nose because if you move what's underneath (the jaw) what's above will also change. But when the swelling went away he could not close his mouth properly again. Turns out the surgeon made a mistake. This means that on Wednesday (half a year and countless doctors visits later) he is having another surgery. And another in February to do his nose. My hear aches for him. He still could not start to study because all of this s..t (sorry, but there is no other word to describe it). I want him to be well so badly. He's my little brother after all. The last weeks were just hard again. All his friends moved away since most of them had done a gap year as well and now went to college. He became very depressed. He hardly left the house. I cannot imagine how hard this has to be for my parents. Im gone most of the week. But whenever I come home he is in his room. On top of all this, he's a perfectionist. Everything from his trousers to his hair cut to his job has to be absolutely perfect. Good is not enough. He wants to study medicine. But it is hard to get admitted. He has a VERY good A- level, but it might not be good enough. I would do anything to help him. If I could, I would have the surgeries for him. I love him soo much. And I can't stand to see him hurt again. But there's nothing I can do.
I was in love with him since the day he was born. It's the first memory I have of my life. My grandma woke me up to tell me that I had a brother. I was two at the time. During the next 10 years we were hardly apart. We played together and did our sports together. In school I watched over him (as much as he allowed me). When we grew older we also grew apart. But I never stopped terribly loving him. And I believe he did too. He does not talk about such things. When I graduated I stayed home for 2 years because of him. I thought we might have more good times together. which we did. but during the past ten years there was always something inside me hoping for more. If I could I would still be best friends with him. But that's not possible. We have to be individual persons. That's at least what he seems to think. He built some very high walls around him. Still, that does not mean I would not do ANYTHING for him. He's so bitter now. He won't even let me hug him... which hurts soooo bad. Can't I have my cute, cheerful brother back, PLEASE!!!!
If you find time, could you pray for him? It would mean a lot to me...and to him.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I just came back from a meeting with my church group I really love. Today's subject was Dietrich Bonhoeffer. He's very popular in Germany and an inspiring personality. He was a theologian and in the resistence movement against Hitler. I learned a lot of new facts about him and war (again!) Did you know that half of the people killed in World War II were killed in the last year of the six year war? Plus, there were about 40 (and that's only the official number) attacks against Hitler and all of them failed. Devil must really have been holding his hand above him.
He came from an aristrochratic family and could have lived an easy, comfortable life. But first he studied theology and when he was already in the USA he felt called to go back to Germany. He was killed only a month before war ended. His last words were: "For you it's the end, for me it's only the beginning."
If you want to find out more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dietrich_Bonhoeffer

Fraternity

Hendrik left his fraternity. For me. Because I said I couldn't live with the way he changed. They drink a lot of alcohol without a reason and their view of the world is...well, undescribable. I did never want to take his friends away.I never thought he would really leave. But he did! He must really love me. The fraternity meant a lot to him.
Now, no one of his "friends" talks to him anymore. This is incredibly hard for him. He is understanding. He says that's the way you treat someone who leaves. It's meant for life. I'm not. If they completely stop caring was there really a friendship? Then there's the laundry problem. We don't have a washing machine in our appartment. I take my clothes home and Hendrik used to wash his stuff at the fraternity house. When he left there was still some laundry at the house plus my favorite jacket. They said he could not have the stuff back! This was two weeks ago.
Hendrik's uncle, hajo, is in the fratiernity as well. In the last days I urged Hendrik to contact him. But Hendrik was scared. He thought Hajo might never talk to Hendrik again since he left the fraternity. But eventually he did. Hajo took care of the issue immeadiately. Now we have our stuff back. Hendrik is broken. I feel so bad. Because he did this for me. If it was not for me he would still have his "friends". Hajo wouldn't be mad at him. I don't know what to do.
The positive part is that it made me so angry that I just got on the dreaded dreadmill and ran 15 kilometers. For the first time EVER.

Thankful Thursday on a Sunday

Although it is not thursday, I decided to write a Thankful Thursday post. You can be thankful on a sunday, can't you?

Somehow I feel especially thankful for my dad today. He always wants to talk to me, asks about my problems and takes time to help me whenever I have a problem with my studies (biology). He's very patient.
When I was little he read millions of books to me. He was the one who taught me how to ride a bike, write my name or swim. I can't remember one instance where he did not have the time to listen to me.
When I grew older I sometimes was annoyed by his constant want to talk to me. When you are a teenager there are a lot of things that are more cool than your old daddy. I rejected him a lot of times. But he never gave up. He still knocks on my door and asks me about my day. Now that I moved out he always picks me up from the station. He always buys me chocolate and sometimes flowers. He sure knows how to treat a woman:) Recently, I even found out how me he knows about love. He has a lot of advice on how to solve problems in a relationship.
God couldn't have gifted me with a better dad.

I don't have a nice pic of my dad on my computer :(

Look what I got :)

Friday Five- Would you rather

1. Would you rather find True Love or $10,000.

True Love! Money does not make you happy, it just makes certain things easier. To be loved and to love makes you happy :)

2. Would you rather be able to Read Minds or Fly?

If I could fly, I could go to all the cool places in the world. I could just escape to a Caribean island to get some sun in the winter.

3. Would you rather Always say everything on your mind or Never speak again?

I wear my heart on my tongue. My friend says it's embarassing. Since I honestly don't have too many mean or embarrassing thoughts I would prefer to always talk instead of never speaking again.

4. Would you rather live someplace where it’s Winter every single day of your life or Summer every single day of your life?

Summer, summer, summer. Summer makes everything so much easier. I even wrote a blog about all the things I love about summer back in May (?)

5. 5. Would you rather Live a long life without ever falling in love or Live a short life but experience a passionate romance?

I cannot live without love....and I love my life. I cannot make a decision against life, but I can't imagine living without love.

Enjoy your weekend!

Quick update

Wow, time is passing quickly. My school/college started almost 2 weeks ago and for the first time in 7 semester I LIKE it. Maybe that's because I don't have too much to do (=don't feel overwhelmed)and do really like the professors (even the Biology ones).
Additionally, I started working. I'm not really sure I like it, because you have to stand for a very long time and work VERY fast. I do sort magazines into piles for different shops. After work I have excruciating backpain and I'm not really sure it's worth the money (although the money is good 10 Euros/ hour).
I finally live in the appartment again with Hendrik. We've had some rough days and some great days. It all changes so quickly. It's hard because I finally want to know how this ends. Will we stay together forever...or is there somebody else out there? Prayers are still needed and wanted.

How is your fall? Any fun activities? We don't really have pumpkin patches in Germany nor do we celebrate Halloween (except for some little kids).

What I have never done

I'm 23 and I never have...

1. vacationed alone
2. been to the USA or Australia, although it's been my dream since I was 13.
3. went skydiving which is another dream
4. touched a dolphin
5. walked a red carpet
6. been drunk to the point where I could not remember what I did
7. gotten into a physical fight
8. won any prize from a journal or the lottery :)
9. eaten sushi
10. swam in a river
11. been an actor in a movie
12. slept past noon
13. met an Aborignie
14. ran a marathon (another dream)
15. watched a horror movie alone (much too scary)

Prayer for a Friend (Casting Crown)

I LOVE this song by Casting Crown. It's exactly how I feel about my brother. I would do ANYTHING for him. I love him so much. He had to face several surgeries during the last years. He's incredibly brave. This left him quite depressed. I don't know how to help him. God is the only one who can! Pray for him if you have got the time.

"Prayer For A Friend"

Lord, I lift my friend to You, I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You
Complicated circumstances have clouded his view
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

I fear that I won't have the words that he needs to hear
I pray for Your wisdom, oh God, and a heart that's sincere
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

Lord, I lift my friend to You
My best friend in the world, I know he means much more to You
I want so much to help him, but this is something he has to do
And Lord, I lift my friend up to You

'cause there's a way that seems so right to him
But You know where that leads
He's becoming a puppet of the world, too blind to see the strings
Lord, I lift my friend up to You
My friend up to You

Lord, I lift my friend to You, I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You

Soccer game

Yesterday I went to a "Bundesliga" (German soccer league) game. Hendrik's uncle Hajo gets tickets for the boxes from his company where you can eat and drink A LOT (for free (well the company pays for theses special tickets, but free for me)). So we always like to take advantage of that:).
It would have been the perfect day, but I had asked my brother to come with us and he did not want to. I was very sad about this, because I always search for opportunities to do something with my brother and I could not understand why he didn't want to come.
Anyway, I went to Henny's mom's house where Hajo picked us up and we drove north to Gelsenkirchen where the soccer club "Schalke" is located. Hajo really takes advantage of the fact that there is (almost) no speed limit on Germna highways. He drove soooo fast(usually about 180km/h). We had five tickets so besides us three there were two more fraternity brothers coming with us. This meant many weird stories about things I won't mention in this blog :) Men!!!
When we arrived, there was still some time left until the gates opened so we walked around in the park which surrounds the soccer stadium.





Then we went inside, had a big fat lunch/dinner. And had a look at the empty stadium. 62.000 people fit in there!



The two of us:)



The players



Penalty for Schalke



In the end Schalke lost 1:2. But I did not care:) We just had a fun, nice day.

My relationship with God

so this blog is going to be quite personal....

During the last weeks/ months I have pondered a lot on my relationship with God. I have always called myself a Christian. My parents are Christians and so they wanted to raise their children as Christians. I was baptized when I was a few months old and went to sunday school pretty much my entire childhood. I heard all the stories, prayed every night my entire life, first with my parents, then alone. I usually treated people with love and tried to help whenever I could. But does this make me a Christian? Probably not!

When I went to Middle school other things were more important. For example sleeping in late on Sunday mornings. But there was more to it. The church my family belongs to is rather old fashioned. They have sunday school for children, but nothing that follws. No youth groups, no nothing. I would not have had a problem to go to the adult church...if it was a place more teenagers went to. If you go to church on a sunday morning you can see about ten sleepy teenagers who are there because they are forced to go since they want to celebrate their confirmation soon. I did the same. Went to church every sunday for almost two years and never went back since then except for Christmas and Easter. I have always been kind of searching. But never found something I really liked. When I met Henny he talked a lot about Jesus which is one of the reasons I fell in love with him. When he took me to his church I did not know the songs they sang and they did not have the lyrics. I got frustrated because I felt so stupid. I was ashamed of myself: "You call yourself a Christian and don't even know the stupid lyrics?" Eventually, I stopped going.

I always told myself I would find a church once I moved out. Last November this happened. Yet, by new years eve nothing had happened. I vowed to God that 2011 would be different. I vowed to buy myself a nice bible (not one of the old fashioned ones where you don't understand half of what you read) and find a church. And I kept my promise! I have been reading in my bible every evening and started going to church kind of regularly. Thanks to one of my old friends I found a group called "project 20 plus" which meets every second sunday. I have been enjoying these meetings very much. I still don't know all the lyrics and don't find a certain quote in the bible immediately, but I don't feel ashamed of myself because the other people don't make me feel ashamed. Thus, 2011 has been a good year in this area at least. My conversations with God have become longer and longer and I see people living their faith now which shows me how to do what I've always wanted: I praise God openly and love every minute of it. I once started a journey as a child in sunday school,got off track, but now I'm back. Stronger than before!

New Age (the song)

There's a song that has been following me through the last weeks. It's New Age by Marlon Roudette. It represents exactly how I have felt/feel. Here are the lyrics:

If love was a word, I don’t understand.
The simplest sound, with four letters.
Whatever it was, I’m over it now.
With every day, it gets better, it gets better.

Are you loving the pain, loving the pain?
And with every day, every day
I try to move on.
Whatever it was,
Whatever it was,
There’s nothing now.
You changed.
New Age.

I’m walking away, from everything I had.
I need a room with new colors.
And there was a time,
When I didn’t mind, living the life of others.


Are you loving the pain, loving the pain?
And with every day, every day
I try to move on.
Whatever it was,
Whatever it was,
There’s nothing now.
You changed.
New Age.

So much fire that it burned my wings.
Her heat was amazing.
Now I’m dreaming of the simple things.
Old ways, erased.

If love was a word,
I don’t understand.
The simplest sound,
With four letters.

Are you loving the pain, loving the pain?
And with every day, every day
I try to move on.
Whatever it was,
Whatever it was,
There’s nothing now.
You changed.
New Age.

My grammy :)

Since the biology exam last friday I have been lazy, very lazy... but I think I deserve it. I did not have a real break in about a year. Plus, I feel that it helps. I smile a lot more often (the last seven weeks were very hard). Today, when I went running I felt sooo happy. I finally had the time to run as long as I wanted..no time pressure..no nothing. Thanks God!
In the afternoon I made applesauce with my almost 90 year old grandma. I love her! At first she did not want to help, but then she got into it and I think she really enjoyed it:)




(I don't like pictures of me, especially from the side)

On Sunday I'll move back in with Henny. It's been very long seven weeks. We met a couple of times in the last week and had a good time. What I've learned is that we have to make a better effort at keeping dating each other. We talked to much about the household and never really had some time exclusively for us. I'm totally positive about all this. My parents (I have the feeling) are not. Probably they are just scared that I might get hurt again.But I finally have to start looking after myself. It's MY relationship, not their's. I cannot aim at making everybody happy when I'm unhappy with what thes want.
Prayers wanted!
Have you experienced similar situations? Parents not totally supporting? Moving back together after a break? Please tell me!

Grandparents day

Since I finally am not forced to study anymore I decided to do some other fun things. Yesterday morning I went to my grandpa's house and picked some apples. I'm thinking about making some apple sauce since we seem to have tons of apples this year.

Afterwards I went home and had some pizza for lunch. Usually I go swimming on Saturdays. When we were kids we all went to the swimming club on Saturdays, now I mostly go alone. However, I was super tired yesterday and decided not to go. But then my mom asked if I could take my grandma on a walk and I agreed. She is turning 90 in December and lives in a retirement home in the town where my parents live and I grew up in. Originally, she is from the south so it was hard for her to move here after living in the south for her entire life. But she has adjusted well. It was nice to go on a walk with her yesterday, she is so sweet and tells interesting stories. Yesterday she told me that her honeymoon was only 3 days long and they only went an hour away from home. And she lost her first love in the war. These are things I cannot imagine... how much pain she has suffered through. I am so glad and thankful that I get to live in a stable and peaceful country now where I am free to say and do whatever I want.

Exam day

I just came home from my exam. All I can say is that one part went really well, the other didn't... so we'll have to wait, but I'm optimistic :) I'll continue having conversations with God about it.
Now that I'm done with all the studying, I'm super tired but I know I won't be able to sleep if I go to bed now. I don't nap. I usually sleep quite a lot at night and that's it.
My family really cares for me which I love (of course). Last night they all told me to stay calm and now my brother is making my favorite food: noodle caserole (if that's the right translation). My bf's family also wrote me messages :) Made me really happy and I feel more love than I did in quite a while.

Later I'll go to the hairdresser which is really urgent since my hair is a mess and I haven't been at the hairdresser since.... May (???).
I also plan to go shopping the weekend and maybe I'll go to southern Germany for a few days next week. Yeah!
The bad thing is that the nice weather of the last two weeks is gone and fall definitely arrived with all the nice things he has to offer: wind, rain, clouds and cold temperature (I'm alreday done with that :) )

Have a nice weekend! What are your plans????

Ikea and other stuff

Yesterday I went to ikea with Hendrik. I love Hendrik ..... and ikea. When I buy I house I wnat to spend days there buying furniture. Henny was so patient with me. Love him for that. They have so many beautiful pieces, but since our appartment has everything it needs I could not really buy anything. Just some candles so I did not have to walk out empty handed. BUT I almost bought this rocking chair in blue. I've been wantning to buy it for almost a year. After I said good bye to all the beautiful stuff we bought the obligatory hot dogs and went to a mall. Again Henny was very patient.
I intended to buy a camera from my birthday money. Somehow I never managed to. But I PROMISE I'll search for one next week. Can your recommend one? I'm not very good in taking photos, so it does not need to be a fancy one.

Now, I really need to starty studying biology. The exam is on friday. AAAAAHHH! Keep your fingers crossed.

3rd of October

Hey everyone,

today is our national holiday. Yeah! Who wants to celebrate????.... Nobody...???? Well, yes. Since we are SOOOOO "proud" of our country we have a party. No, honestly... Germans do not celebrate this day. Its just a day off from work, some time for yourself. My brother even asked why the postman did not come since he is waiting for yet another package...I'm not kidding. We don't give a damn. But how can we be proud if everybody we meet who is not German tells us we are Nazis? 66 years after the war ended!!! I believe it's sad since we can be proud since we accomplished A LOT in the past decades. So, maybe the next time you meet a crazy German you say something nice?!

Things to be thankful for

I went to the cinema with Hendrik yesterday. And it was great!!! I held my hand constantly, gave me lots of kisses and so on. He finally was the guy I met almost 5 years ago. Today, when I briefly saw him, he was the same :) He even wants to quit with his fraternity which would be great since they had such a bad influence on him.
Additionally, the girl he kissed and has been stalking (literally stalking) him ever since is not allowed to get near him (we had to go to court, because it got ugly).

My hard core biology studying is going great as well. I feel like I might actually pass this exam.

I got the job I apllied for!

Summer is back:) All summer i was complaining about the low temperatures. Now, it seems to me like summer just decided to be in spring and autumn this year.

Only great news today! :) :) :)

If I....

If I could have any job in the world... I would become a teacher like I do (ask me again in 10 years)

If I had a day to myself.... I would go to a spa, get a massage, a new haircut, my nails done. Then I would go shopping, take a long good nap, go swimming and drink cocktails in the evening

If I could live anywhere.... Hard decision....maybe florida... maybe South Africa, on the back of the Table Mountain (certainly found my personal heaven there)

If I could have any talent in the world....I would like to be able to swim VERY fast. Swimming is a great sport! (if I haven't mentioned this yet)

If you met me in real life... I would ask you A LOT of questions. Im very interested in other people's life. But not in a nosy way.

If money was no object... I would buy a nice house, nice furniture, go on a lot of vacations, save some money for my future kids, send my parents on a few nice vacations

If I could meet one celebrity, it would be.... Lance Armstrong!!! He was my childhood hero. Still think he's amazing (at least for the sports part) no matter if he doped or not

If I could shop at any shop for the rest of my life... it would be karstadt. They have got great clothes and everything else you need

If I could go on a trip right now... I would go to Turkey with Henny. Just relax at the beach for a week, eat a lot, drink even more and talk most of the time

If I could choose between a house cleaner and a personal chef... house cleaner for sure! I would never have to argue about cleaning up again with Henny

If I had the option of plastic surgery.... maybe I would have my nose corrected but I probably not do anything because I would be too scared.

My day

Outside my window: The street is settling down, the sun begins to set and the leaves begin to fall

I am thinking: of my friend Jan's birthday party I'll go to in about 90 minutes! Yeah! (will miss Henny though)

I am smelling: nothing

I am thankful: for my family who support me every single day. My best friend Bine and my bf who can be so sweet if he wants. God watching over me :)

I am wearing: Jogging trousers and a sweatshirt (already start missing the T- Shirts)

I am reading: "A love that multiplies" Love the Duggar family! (When does the new season start?)

I am hoping: My best friend and I can really do the biology course we are supposed to do next week next year because it's just tooo much stress right now and it would really be making me feel better.

I am hearing: My brother typing on his laptop (my room is his living room)

My music: silence after a long day of studying and running around

I look forward to: seeing henny more often soon.+ The day after the biology exam

Fall

Since I wrote a blog about all the things I love about summer in May, I will try to write about what I love about fall. This is hard since fall is my least favorite season. I could probably write more about what I hate about fall, but I want to force myself to look at this from a positive perspective.

I like
- putting on my cuddly warm jackets and pullovers
- picking apples
- eating "Zwetschgenkuchen" (plum cake??) made by my mom
- all the colors
- jogging with the leaves falling around me
- the feeling of finally having made it throgh yet another semester (German universities.....)
- knowing it is Christmas soon (well, at least kind of soon)
...
can't think of more. What do you like about fall?

New Age (HOPE)

There is some new hope in my heart. I don't know why, but for the first time I feel like I might be able to pass biology in october (prayers wanted). I don't abolutely dread studying biology every single day anymore. I know that this will end in two and a half weeks and I will be able to move on. Which means that I will go back to my apartment. I really miss the privacy and the quiet there. Here it is always loud. Somebody is constantly entering my room without knocking. But most of all I miss Henny. I miss to just talk for hours and hours. I miss getting hugs and kisses. I miss waking up beside him....sometimes I even miss the chaos:). I hope this all works out. Like I said I believe we are meant to be together (forever). This afternoon we will go to a very nice indoor pool (summer is ofically over). I look forward to that and I will try really hard to focus on the positive things. I will NOT scold him for everything he does wrong (Im not his mom). I will make it a great day.

The vacation I had planned with three of my friends is not going to happen :(. The two girls cannot come and Im not going on a vacation with a guy alone. This does not feel right as long as I have a boyfriend.

Hope you have a great day!
Smile!

Greek dinner

Yesterday I went out for dinner with Henny. We went to a lovely greek place and got one meal free beacuse of the coupons we have (should have gotton both meals free because of the money Greece coasts Europe right now :)). I enjoyed the evening very much. We got to talk a lot and even cuddle a bit. Henny is very worried about the future and afraid of the girl he kissed since she stalks him. She sends him letters and other stuff and threatens me on fb. I wish she just left us alone!
Henny is very sad to be alone in the flat but we both know its for the best. I miss my flat as well..... and my gym and my flowers. I look forward to going back.
My days are mostly spend working on biology and this won't cahnge until the seventh of october. Please pray that I don't fail. I never failed so far but Im always scared of it.
Maybe Henny and I will go on a vacation then. Which would be awesome since I miss the sun already.Originally I wanted to go with two of my friends. But one of them cannot get off at work and the other one is a guy and Im not going on a vacation alone with a guy as long as I have got a boyfriend.

Good news

I just came back from a date with Hendrik and it was fun!!!! I know why I love him. Seems to regret the things he did. Finally some good news! :) :) :)

Dementors

You know the Dementors in Harry Potter? They are supposed to suck all the happiness out of me. I would love so much to ONCE talk about positive things but I feel like one of these Dementors is my constant companion these days. Autumn, biology and the uncertainty are too much for me. My day consists only of studying biology. I cannot concentrate because I think about Henny all the time.I feel like Im not making any progress at all! After studying I do some kind of sport and sit in front of this f...ing computer in the evenings. All my friends are out, being more or less happy. They all seem to be fallig in love right now which leaves no place for me. I talk to my parents a lot but they can not substitute Henny or my friends.This life sucks! But I know the sun will shine again one day. Pray hard for me if you find the time. Thanks :)

Status quo

I desperately want to make things work out with me and Henny. We both made mistakes and our relationship was not as a relationship was supposed to be when the studpid kiss happened. But we can do better because we've done it before. Our problem is that we are both young and change a lot as our lives cahnge a lot. Most of my friends believe we should break up, but we both want to make it work. We love each other. Im sure I do and Henny appears to be sure as well.
Originally, I said we would not see each other for the next few weeks. My plan is to slowly get used to each other again with as little of the every day stress as possible. So we decided to date. Im going out for dinner with him tomorrow. Im excited. Either tomorrow is going to be very disapointing or I'll love him even more.
I refuse to give up! Even without the support of my friends because I never met a person like Henny. I strongly believe we are meant to be together. Life has taught me that I have to fight for most things and Im ready to do so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

September

My least favorite month! Summer is winding down and what lies ahead is a seemingly endless winter. The days get shorter and Im honestly not used to living in the dark again. Im used to the sun going to bed after me and getting up before me.
Septembers usually mean Im studying for some kind of Biology exam. Usually it was didactics, this time it is microbiology. Sounds bad and is even worse. So, September means adjusting to cooler weather, being stuck in the house to STUDY all day because university has not started yet. Its good to get out of the house at some point during the day. I usually do some kind of sport every day. Still, I hate it. Please let it be March soon!

Now, I really have to get started with my f.... biology!

What's September like for you?

Crisis

So all these problems between Henny and me exploded last week. I got a message from one of my friends in the middle of the night. She was in a club where Henny was kissing another girl! Huge shocker! I did not sleep the rest of the night because I did not know what to do. As you might have noticed I want this relationship to work SO BADLY! In the morning I talked to a lot of people. My parents and my two best friends, and Hennys sis. Nobody was really surprised of our major crisis which I finally fully admitted. I told them everything. Maybe not the sex part which is certainly part of the problem, but this is something only me and Henny talk about. I had always said that I would seperate from my by if he should cheat on me. And kissing to me is cheating.
I decided to make a list of all the things that have to change and decided to forgive henny. Yet, I vowed that our relationship has to change cause I was really sad about the state it was in the last couple of months (yes, its months- long fight).I went to Hennys mom's house, presented him with the list and told him that we would not see each other for the next six weeks. I was going to stay at my parents' house and he could have the appartment to his own since he cant live with his mom.
I drove home, cried for the rest of the day and the next. That evening I went out with my two best friends who also seperated from their bfs recently (2011 seems to be the year of seperations). Henny wrote me messages on facebook telling me he finally understood and he missed me. he has been doing since then. He sounds like he really understood something at last, but we'll see. I will give him this chance but it will definitely be the last. I promised myself that and after this week I know that I can be single. I might find someone else one day. But in the meanwhile we are bot trying to find out what went wrong. I strongly believe that it is not only his fault that we can't have a relationship with each other right now. I rejected him a lot if times when he was looking for some love as simple as a hug. Additionally, he had to go out on his own too often.I can change that. I hope he changes as well since we both really want to be together (for ever).

Hoffnung

Manchmal sind es die Träume,
die dich überwintern lassen,
die dich in der Zeit abgestorbener Liebe
und erfrorener Hoffnung
in zarten Bildern ahnen lassen,
dass kahle Zweige morgen wieder Knospen treiben

Berlin- Day 3

I did not sleep very well due to my aching/itching feet. When I got up i could not walk properly, only tiptoe. My left foot was sooooooooo swollen. We went down to eat breakfast and Henny had to serve me. Afterwards we found out that our hotel for the night had been canceled!!!! And we could not find another one. Usually this would have made me freak out but since I could not walk properly I was sad and happy because it would not have mad any sense staying another night anyway.
So, we checked out of our fancy hotel and went to Berlin city. I bought some drugs for the swelling and itching and we set of to explore Berlin. I tiptoed the whole way. First stop: Brandenburger Tor


Bundestag

(You can see that I'm not really standing on my left foot)

Where Angie (Merkel) lives


Then we went to the main shopping road.


Henny and one of the Berlin bears

I hobbled behind Henny and then it even started to rain. Needless to say we had enough. Henny got aggressive again although I had endured all my pain only for HIM. But he seems to have gained the ability to cool himself down now, so we reconciled. Yet, since we had to drive home that night (since the hotel was cancelled, remember?)we got on the train back to the car. Henny started talking to his sis on the phone and he always wonders off when he's on the phone. Suddently, we were at the station were we had to get off and Henny was not with me. I panice since henny had my phone. I begged a passenger to PLEASE lend me his phone which he eventually did (after checking I was really trustworthy).We met again (on the train) and got off the station after the station we had originally been supposed to get off. When we descended the train I just started sobbing cause the world was soooo mean. I just could not take it any more. I could not take another step. I was completely done. Somehow, Henny convinced me to get up again and we got backl to the car. Henny drove till 1:30 am to get us home. I slept. I had had enoough for the day.
Im glad we took the trip because we urgently needed some time alone. Henny sometimes was unfair but he seems to change, so there's still hope left, right?



The sunset on the way home

Berlin- Day 2

We got up at about 8 and went down to eat our breakfast. They had a really great buffet with lots of fruit and other delicious stuff. Yummy!
Afterwards we got ready to leave and then drove half an hour to "Tropical Island". First we just discovered everthing, tried out the different pools. At noon I rested a bit while Henny went down the slides. After my rest he convinced me to join him at the slides and we went down together a few times. Then we hung out at the pool some more. At about 7:30 we were done and left.
We were very hungry so we dedcided to visit a restaurant. We sat outside which was a severe mistake since there were little nasty mosquitoes who happily started to attack both of us. I was only wearing sandals so they also attacked my feet....which lead them to swelling really bad and made me feel very uncomfortable :( Especially with a day of walking through Berlin ahead...




Henny coming out of a slide!





The fatal dinner!

Berlin- Day 1

We left around 9.30 with me behind the wheel :) We had planned to be at a pool in Erfurt by midday which we even managed to do. Yet, the weather didn't like us AGAIN! It was cloudy and we even got a few raindrops on our head. Yet, we went to the pool anyway. We swam a bit and went down slides (no, we'll never grow up).However, henny was not ....I even dont know the word, not even in German. He was the way he usually is at the moment and really freaked out when I asked him to take a shower before we left. Something little kids do, right?! In this very tense mood we arrive at his sis's appartment. She always been the one we bothered with our problems. She talked to us a bit. She has a very strong faith (for which Im jealous). Based on her faith she tried to explain a few things to Henny which kind of worked out since Henny behaved better afterwards and was on the phone a lot with her talking about ways to improve.
At around 4:30 we hit the roads again (Henny driving this time) , stopped at Mc Do and arrived at our hotel about 9 pm. It was a great hotel. Henny later found out a night in a double bedroom usually costs 130 Euros. But we only payed 79 euros for two nights and the day at the "Tropical Island"! Once we arrived at our hotel room I was very, very tired and so we just watched TV for a while and then went to sleep.

German Road Trip

From tomorrow on I'll be on a road trip with my bf. I'll start today by going to the town where I study. Theres a street festival today and I'll take my best friend with me and meet a few other people. I'll spent the night at the appartment naturally. Tomorrow I hope to leave early so we can be in Erfurt where my bf's sister lives by noon. There we'll go to a very cool pool(the summer finally decided to return), I love the pics on the internet. Then we'll meet up with my bf's sis, drink some coffe and then leave for Berlin. Actually, its near Berlin where we are going. After checking into the hotel we'll go to Poland to buy some cheap gas:)(not far away from where we are staying. On Monday we'll go to trpoical island. Here' s the Internet page: http://www.tropical-islands.de/



On Tuesday we'll move into a hotel in Berlin and spent the day and the next visiting our capital.
Im not really fond of Berlin although it has got an interesting history. I just look forward to pool, pools and some time with my boyfriend. And of course it is great to get out of here, just to see something different.
Tell me about your road trip!!!

Support

Today Hennys mom visited him in the appartment (which he hated of course). They went to buy a new closet since his one is broken. When he came back from their shopping trip he told me (on the phone since Im still at home)that he mom scolded hi for not being with me enough and spending too much time at the fraternity. Yeah!!!! A lot of people support me. Even his uncle who is a member of the traternity himself and soooo fond of it. They all tell him its not ok and he feels bad after that. But this wont change anything and I did everything in my power to change him. WE NEED SOME HELP! But I don't know were to get it, because people just talk and dont do anything. He would need an accountability partner who constantly reminds him of what he's got to do and especially what he should not do. My thought was to join a church group at the church we go to church on sundays when we are both at the appartment but Henny believes they would think bad of us because we live together and are not married.
Do you have any advice???

A bumpy road

In the last few days henny and I argued a lot. He works often and very spontaneously which makes me freak out. He spends a lot of time at his fraternity and sometimes is just so aggressive. He does not have a very good relationship with his mom because of unclear reasons (he grew up without his dad cause he died). Women probably just go on his nerves. Now he starts to treat me like his mom, the same aggressive way. Additionally, university probably is not the best time to find the love of your life. All his friends have constantly changing girlfriends or no girlfriends at all. Girlfriends mean responsibility because a realtionship is not only fun, but also work, especially if it lasts that long. He says he loves me which I know he does, but right now he just wants to be young and careless. I dont feel that way. Im proud not to have had that many boyfriends in my life. In my opinion too many bf mean a lot of heartbreak and I really dont need it. No thanks! What makes it even more complicated is our living together. Hes not the tidiest person in the world which I knew before, but I really didnt know he's that messy!!! Im constantly asking, begging him to PLEASE do this and that. Im already doing most of the work which is not ideal but ok as woman just do most of the work... thats at least what I guess. My parents do really support each other but then my mom works more than my dad which is not typical.
Today, we'll go to the pool. Yeah. He'll be there in 10 minutes. Hope it goes well. I really love him, want to spend the rest of my life whith him as he does. But I cant do it all alone and I need him to love me which he does but seldom shows.I feel like a wife after ten years of marriage BUT IM NOT!
Do you have any advice???

Birthday Party

I had a great little party in our appartment on Saturday. Saturday I was initially VERY tired because I had already celebrated two nights in a row. So I slept and then my parents drove me to the appartment. My mom helped me clean it and then my guests started to arrive. We had a nice time here and the headed out to a club where we danced, discussed peoples outfits and laughed sooo much.
Then one of my best friends called a mini car to get back to my appartmnent and the rest haeded home. It was two am by then. This is when we met Ammar. Our taxi driver.Hes from Tunis and misses his mommy :) My friend, J, started to talk to him and apparetly he liked her. There was another girl in the car who had to go to a city about 30 kilometers away. The original plan was to take us home first and the drive her home. But since Ammar liked us he just took the other girl home first, the drove back to the club to take a polish guy home. J can speak a bit of Polish and talked to this guy the whole time. In the end he gave her his bracelet. Because J kept telling Ammar that I would be getting married next year and my VERY jealous husband and had already called about five times he decided to finally drive us home at about 3: 30. Funny night!
Yesterday my bf's sister visited me and I had a great conversation with her. I am really glad I have her. She such a caring loving person.