The post that I promised not to write

I promised myself I would not do it. I promised myself the next post would be a happy post. I promised myself that this friday would be like any other. I promised not to let the date get me. I promised to see the positive in it. But here I am. In the past year this little blog became the place where I could talk. Honestly talk and admit how hard certain things are when I wish they were not. But sometimes writing a post is just like a confession. It helped me so much to write my cancer story down. So here I am again.
If I could erase one day from my memory it would be the 24th of August 2004. I had just turned sixteen. The cancer nightmare seemed finally over. I could run again, my hair looked halfway decent and i was able to enjoy meals after 2 years of almost eating nothing at all. Life seemed to start again. But during this summer I had to say good bye to one of the best friends I ever had. The only person in the entire universes who was able to understand me since almost 2 and a half years ago. You were God sent. You made me able to endure so much. Together we could. On this day Joel died. We had been cancer buddies. Got to know each other when we had dark shadows under our eyes, no hair on our heads, had tubes coming out of our chest and arms and vomitted non stop. I could see how beautiful you were right from the beginning. You were my first real guy friend. I confessed my darkest thoughts to you. We were completely honest. To be able to live and watch you die was the hardest thing I ever was forced to do. I loved you like my brother. 8 years ago I sobbed till my eyes hurt. Physical pain is nothing compared to the pain I felt on that day. I have thought of you every single day since then. I have had imaginary conversations with you. I have dreamed of meeting you again. I took you everywhere. I started dating Hendrik and wondered what you would think about it. I went to university and asked myself if you were proud of me up there. I met your parents countless times and asked myself if you thought I was behaving correctly. I watched the sky at night and asked myself if you could see me. But I kept my promises. All of them. I enjoy my life as much as I can and I try to take care of your family. Tomorrow I will go and see them. Im scared as always. I still feel bad for being alive instead of you. I wonder how they cope with the pain they feel when I can almost not cope with mine although I only knew you for such a short amount of time. And I am still keeping my promise you laughed so hard about when I told you. I still will name my first son after you. I just hope my family and yours will not die from shock when they hear about it :) I hope you have a great heaven birthday.

It's never goodbye, it's always see you later!