Life today

Today I am happy because the sun shines. I am happy because Hendrik gave me a braclet and really tries hard to be the person again he onces was. For the first time in months (since that horrible day in September to be exact) I KNOW that Hendrik does not cheat on me anymore. I always had doubts because he still spent a lot of time with his friends. The ones I think have a bad influence on him. During the last weeks he stopped and is home more or at work (where I can call him). I did not know how hard the road I planned to travel was back in September. I thought I could immeadiately trust him again. FAIL! And yes, I would do it again. He's there to support me when I'm crying because life breaks my heart. He tries to help me when he can. And he constantly tries to hug or kiss me which I cannot allow because I need this high security fence around me to feel safe. Love means you are vulnerable which is something I cannot be, believe I cannot be. Every night I pray for my heart to find some peace which it sometimes finds for minutes. The rest of the day I'm struggling. I'm scared what might happen next. I don't want to complain. I know that life could be a lot harder, but your life and your job is always the hardest, right?
I'm happy because I might have found the solution to my term paper problem. The one about kingship in the Middle English romances where there is almost no literature about. Yeah! I had a dissertation on a mikrofilm come to my university. Now I have to spend hours with an ancient machine, similar to a slide projector, and scan the pages which might take days. But still, I have a solution.
I'm happy because I do not have to work today which leaves me more time for my university stuff and this might mean I could get some things done (if I finally leave the computer that is).
I'm happy because after going to the gym Henny will stay home and we will go out to drink some cocktails. After this I'll probably totally happy because Henny will be his old self (he always is when his stupid friends are not there) and afterwards I might be able to fall asleep quickly. Now, I'll have to get started with my work for university otherwise the day off will lead to nothing but cocktails.

Girls' night out

Yesterday evening, I met up with my two best friends plus one other friend. A real girls' night out because the other friend is mal but gay and dresses almost like a girl and thus doesn' t count :). We chatted and drank cocktails and never stopped talking a single minute. I really enjoyed myself and didnt even worry about the money I spent as I used to do. We shared our worries and our hopes and I was able to forget everything for a while. And most important, I didnt feel alone! I feel alone so much lately. Like the world has left me and I dont know how to stop it :( Im on my computer a lot, I know, but I also work on it and Henny usually works which I hate. All hes got in his head is work, work, work and I just want to live my life because I only get the chance once. Then again, hes not responible for my enterntainment alone. But I dont know to many people in the town I moved to. I pray for more people to love my the way I am. Maybe you can pray, too?

Anne