Surgery day

My surgery on the thumb went well. I went to the hospital at six in the morning. All by myself if I may add so. I got a room and put on the sexy nightgown AND those amazing socks and then they gave me the happy pill. This is when it started to go wrong. What you have to know is that I had been looking forward to actualy see the operating room and watch them do my surgery. I did not expect to see them operating on my hand but I wanted to see them all dressed up (especially for me) and see how it actually worked. What I did not know is that the happy pill makes you sleepy and I completely drifted off. The last thing I remember is wondering how many needles where in my arm (I was afraid of the needle that had to go into my armpit to knock my arm out) and when I woke up I was in recovery and kept falling asleep. I AM SO DISAPOINTED! When my dad called to see when he could pick me up I told him how disapointed I was and not how surgery went. Now it is monday and I am still not over it! Who knows if I ever get another chance?

The weekend was quite painful, but I still went to see my friends. I guess I am used to be drugged up because of my leukemia. Today I spent my day typing my term paper with one hand and now I am frustrated because I am a sports addict but cannot do anything because of my red (from the disinfection), swollen, hurting arm. Arg!

Don't read if happy

Back in June I vowed to only blog positives from now on since no one likes to read whiny blogs. Yet, this blog is also my journal and feel like I have to write about negative things as well. So, if you are in a good mood just skip this post :).

There's something wrong with Nico's (my brother) lip. Since the surgery one week ago it looks weird. I don't even want to write this because I had hoped soo much that finally everything would be ok. It is not. And it breaks my heart. My does he have so much bad luck??? This is UNFAIR. I BEGGED god last week to finally let this be his last jaw surgery. Now this...Nico is depressed, of course. Seriously depressed and we don't know what to do. When I was home at the weekend I almost could not stand this sad, sad mood.

I will quit my job tomorrow. I feel like it's not good for me since you have to work very fast which makes me nervous. Nervous nervous. I suffer a lot. About two days before I have to work I start being sad. This is not helpful in my current situation. If it was my real job I would fight, but this is only a stupid student job and there are others. Still, I feel like a failure. I wanted to prove that I could do it, that I would not simply give up because I have to fight. Yet, it makes no sense. My mouth turns dry the second I start and I sweat like crazy.

I honestly thought there were better times ahead after all the mess with hendrik was over. But it isn't. 2011 is not my year. That's for sure. 6 more weeks to go! 2012 has to be better!

Sorry, for this post.

My brother

On Wednesday my brother is having yet another surgery. It all started in July 2010. He had surgery on his jaw which was pretty hard for all of us. I've never seen my poor little brother so sad and desperate. He looked so different. It was a 9 hour surgery. He had just graduated from High School and instead of having a careless summer of fun, he went to the hospital to have this terrible surgery and recovered for the rest of the summer. The first time he could bite into an apple again was in December! It was very hard. Because of all this he did not begin to study in fall. Instead he learnt Latin. That's my nerdy brother. If you have a gap year, learn Latin FOR FUN.
In February he had the nails removed and we hoped that the next step could be his nose because if you move what's underneath (the jaw) what's above will also change. But when the swelling went away he could not close his mouth properly again. Turns out the surgeon made a mistake. This means that on Wednesday (half a year and countless doctors visits later) he is having another surgery. And another in February to do his nose. My hear aches for him. He still could not start to study because all of this s..t (sorry, but there is no other word to describe it). I want him to be well so badly. He's my little brother after all. The last weeks were just hard again. All his friends moved away since most of them had done a gap year as well and now went to college. He became very depressed. He hardly left the house. I cannot imagine how hard this has to be for my parents. Im gone most of the week. But whenever I come home he is in his room. On top of all this, he's a perfectionist. Everything from his trousers to his hair cut to his job has to be absolutely perfect. Good is not enough. He wants to study medicine. But it is hard to get admitted. He has a VERY good A- level, but it might not be good enough. I would do anything to help him. If I could, I would have the surgeries for him. I love him soo much. And I can't stand to see him hurt again. But there's nothing I can do.
I was in love with him since the day he was born. It's the first memory I have of my life. My grandma woke me up to tell me that I had a brother. I was two at the time. During the next 10 years we were hardly apart. We played together and did our sports together. In school I watched over him (as much as he allowed me). When we grew older we also grew apart. But I never stopped terribly loving him. And I believe he did too. He does not talk about such things. When I graduated I stayed home for 2 years because of him. I thought we might have more good times together. which we did. but during the past ten years there was always something inside me hoping for more. If I could I would still be best friends with him. But that's not possible. We have to be individual persons. That's at least what he seems to think. He built some very high walls around him. Still, that does not mean I would not do ANYTHING for him. He's so bitter now. He won't even let me hug him... which hurts soooo bad. Can't I have my cute, cheerful brother back, PLEASE!!!!
If you find time, could you pray for him? It would mean a lot to me...and to him.